Perhaps I'm a bit schizophrenic.
I need to talk to someone whom I don't know how to define. She is neither friend nor enemy, but she is certainly more than an acquaintance. I don't believe I love her, I don't believe I hate her, but I cannot seem to be indifferent about her. Her absence from my life would leave a hole, but her presence in my life is tearing me apart. She is too important for me to want to hurt her, but not important enough that I am willing to let her hurt me anymore.
I find my self having an in-depth conversation with her, on a very serious subject. I speak intelligently and succinctly. I counter her emotional arguments with logical answers. I manage to remain firm without being hurtful. And in the end we are able to come to a resolution that is acceptable to both of us despite the fact that it is not what she has been hoping for.
The only problem is this conversation takes place entirely in my head. And it takes place over and over again, with the arguments changing and the emotions riding higher. I've had this conversation so many times today that I am starting to believe that maybe we can actually resolve this issue.
But the truth is, it's just my own wishful thinking. I don't actually have to courage to start this very necessary discussion.
I have tried being direct in the past. We have talked about this issue before, and I seem to hear what I want to hear. She seems to hear what she wants to hear. We both talk. We both listen. But we never truly understand the other.
I have tried avoiding the issue and letting time resolve it for me. But that seems to have the opposite effect of what I am looking for.
So I just keep talking to her in my brain. Over and over. I can't seem to shut it off.
I am afraid of the difference between reality and imagination, despite the repeated assurances of the voices in my head.